- Don’t be a bomb. Please God, please goddamnit, don’t be a bomb…
- I don’t know, lot of this has just felt like a drug induced fever dream.
- Why are you crawling around on the floor in tightest goddamn skirt?
- She knew she should have developed some type of trust towards him to not drop her along the years.
- Chuck, please don’t mention it again or you will end up cleaning up my puke off the seats.
- When you are done chain smoking outside my house, you are welcome to have the the couch for the night.
- I need to go, uh… wash the blood off before the cops come here.
- “Have you heard from the hospital? How are they?”
“Trying to bribe nurses to leave them alone.”- Should we bury them with their sunglasses on?
- This is neither the time or the place to sell your nephew’s candy!
- It doesn’t matter how many examples you can give to me, I’ll not permit you to use a flamethrower.
- “I’m a responsible adult!”
“You passed out on the train tracks just yesterday!”- What makes you think that she’s going to come to a freaking jury duty when she knows somebody is trying to kill her!
- You’re a kickboxer, you are not allowed to kick me in play fights!
- You’re not going to cuddle with me? How am I going to be able to sleep now?
- “You can’t say no before I have even asked the question!”
- “No.”
- If you are gonna get mad, get out of my kitchen.
- Jesus Christ, look away, he’ll keep talking if he thinks somebody’s listening.
- Couldn’t you have finish the sentence before you burped?
- I’m wearing underwear too small for me and there’s no way it’s not noticeable.
- “Where’s your partners in crime?”
“They are having their annual light saber re-match.”- It was definitely one of those you-need-pepper-spray-to-walk-through-this-street neighborhoods.
- Why are all our dishes in the bathtub?
- Your dad was in a fucking real fight club, there’s no way I’m gonna try to fight him!
- That’s for not telling me about the motherfucking waterfall!
- We are humans, Karl. We don’t have mating calls like that.
- “What do you mean you haven’t taught your dog to fetch!”
“It’s a hellhound, Debbie! It doesn’t need to know how to fetch!”- They don’t hate their parents… They just mildly dislike them!
- “This is a formal dress only.”
“Shut up and let me the fuck in. I will steal somebody’s clothes later!”- I don’t want you to hear about my devil of an ex-wife anymore.
- I mean punching them to appendix is pretty effective distraction at the end of the day…
- Turns out they fully understand the concepts of personal space.
- I’m pretty know for affective annoyance, actually.
- I know the kids like it, but you can’t use them as weights anymore.
- She got told off after she helped us out. And now we aren’t even gonna try to do the same?
- I think they might appreciate if we don’t use their house as a summoning place…
- Should we replace their position now or after the funeral?
- Anybody seen Diana? We need her to help us stop speculating some shit!
- Did you just ask for the King to royally fuck you up? What does that even mean?
- Are we literally just ignoring the carefully set out attack plan to – save an animal?
- You could start coming with me to buy groceries if you want some specific shit…
- If the same thing happens tonight, I’ll just lie and pretend that my luck isn’t the worst in this earth.
- I don’t think they are faster than your bullets, honey.
- I’m sorry your back hurts. I was too drunk to carry you to bed…
- While I usually love gifts, you are a twat and giving me a stool will only get me closer to stab you in the neck!
- “How are we going to do this?”
“… Very, very carefully.”- No. No, I refuse to ride bitch with him!
- Do you hear the thunder roaring in the distance? Does your heart feel the vibrations?
- “You’re a bitch!”
“Now I’m a bitch? I thought I was just a whore. My bad.”- You are not allowed to make popcorn in the waffle maker!
- When there’s a will and complete disregard for the safety of people around you - everything is possible!
- I swear, I love the fuck out of your parrot but if you teach it to insult me one more time…
- “It’s like it’s made out of mithril or something…”
“… You fucking dork…”- She doesn’t owe you a date for shit.
- Do I need to buy a child seat for you?
- If that your light punch, your real punch is gonna hurt like seven hells.
- We have to get clear on the terms before we continue.
- Why are you pretending to have a British accent?
- If I do this… And I’ll be doing this just for you – I want you to promise that you will not blackmail me with it later.
- Me being pissed about it doesn’t really change anything.
- Walk! It’s not so hard to do, just move your other leg in front of the other. Come on, come on!
- Didn’t expect you to be an such an expert in… locksmith-ing?
- Does anybody want to talk about with me how fucking unsafe this shit is?
- There’s one thing that I can still do - I’ll poke his eyes out.
- How about you spit in the sink next time, not in my fucking shoes?
- Stop smacking the children with pool noodles! Bad! Stop!
- At this point I can’t go ask her out, I’ve been staring at her way too long to make this awkward and creepy.
- You know there’s a couch at least underneath you if you do fall.
- “Wait - Do helicopters need keys to start them up?”
“I thought you said you were a pilot!”- Are you seriously going to leave your phone number after giving a 2 dollar tip?
- Dad, why are you wearing my ex-boyfriend’s shirt?
- How the fuck has he done this?
- You returned the dress. Why?
- That kind of loyalty is rare. Cherish it.
- I shouldn’t hate you, but I so fucking do.
- Tell me… Are you asking forgiveness from the right people?
- I’m not sure how I can contribute to anything to your fragile emotional state right now.
- No way you can shoot me from all the way ther – Ow!
- You can’t have a heart to heart with sunglasses on!
- You are single handedly responsible for everything good that has happened to her.
- “Ah!” She yelped as he tackled her into the sand, his beard tickling against her neck. “I’m gonna have sand everywhere!”
- Stop hitting me with the fucking towel!
- Can you get a blister in your eye?
- Damn dude, you went expensive to me.
- There are physical limitations to things that I can do!
- Can you stop showing your favoritism so openly?
- “There doesn’t seem to be a way that we could fuck this up…”
“Ahh, Jon’s on the case, don’t worry about it.”- How inappropriate would it be to start playing Tetris right now?
- I mean the place only has one exit – We could just wait this out, right?
- The bridesmaids in this wedding are freaking me out.
- If she’s going to question this, are we going to lie?
- I have watched enough eyebrow tutorials to know that I shouldn’t do this.
- No, no, you don’t understand, it’s super important that this drama continues. It’s the best damn entertainment around here.
- There’s a massive nuke in the living room. Should I touch it?
- Just to clarify – not that I wasn’t too drunk to remember what we planned last night - who do you want me to shoot again?
- This was an attempt on their live. Are we going to retaliate?
- No, I actually can’t come, honestly – I have a date to kill the Devil in an hour or so.
- I’m tipsy and I know it!
- Stop trying to Vulcan neck chop me!? Jeez…
- I should start filming you for a reality TV show, honestly…
- I really don’t have a reason to trust you at all do I?
- Could you stop “massaging” my shoulders? It’s little distracting.
- Go back to your room, woman!
- ”Did you ever believe in me?”
“I did. Then I hated you.“- Are you going to watch me break my other leg too? Help me!
- We are the damaged ones, the only ones willing to act on our pain.
- The space between my boobs is a great can holder.
- Do you want to spent rest of your life with me as I get more bitter and bitter about more silly things?
- “Stay still,” she muttered, taking a hold of his shoulder as she bent down to put on her shoes.
- At this point throwing up can’t make me feel any worse
- I was singing a song, do you mind?
- I fear for my pelvis.
- Blood seems to be a rather turbing theme around here.
- Holding your alcohol better than him is not an accomplishment.
- Torture isn’t allowed when the wife is here!
- With some uncertainty, I have to inform you that 48 hours ago, I died.
- Landing that on my front yard wasn’t very subtle…
- I just fucking wanted you to be happy for once!
- “Okay, let’s do that!”
“Or… you know, drive back to yours and make food and complain?”- What? It’s my job to make you hate everything and everyone expect me.
- Come open your door, I’ve come to eat everything you have.
- Do I need to get out of the house for your booty call?
- “Thanks for coming to help me out.”
“No problem… Though, I need somebody to validate parking.”- Speak of a bimbo and one shall appear.
- Everything even vaguely inspired by McGuire will be scraped from the plan immediately.
- “He’s alive, I mean…”
“And missing a limb!”- I need you to come back, with or without him. And preferably alive too.
- Snapping my underwear is not gonna get you laid!
- Your performances are slowly costing his sanity.
- You kidnapped my fucking maid?!
- The 4-year-old kid you gave candy to? Jumping on walls right now!
- Stop rubbing my head for luck, demented woman!
- ”Okay, repeat it back to me.”
“I will refrain from inappropriate comments in front of your coworkers and pretended that I’m actually having fun.”- That was so uncalled for! And immensely inappropriate!
- Wow ok, the trash talk is coming out strong.
- “It ain’t loaded, honey, is it?”
“Are you sure you want to test it? I blow your brains on the ground and I’ll probably get a thank you letter from your family.”- I just assumed that it’s bad manners to interrupt a God while they’re monologuing.
- I’m an adult and you can’t spank me!
- Well I didn’t know you redefined the definition!
- Did you have to set them up in my room? There’s trash absolutely everywhere!
- The infamous tattooed boyfriend is here, should I buzz them up?
- This needs a congratulatory ass slap!
- Lynyrd Skynyrd just sets this fire of needing to crush at least one beer can with my forehead for no goddamn reason in me!
- “You bailed me out?”
“Well it has become a habit to not think my decisions through.”- Call 991 immediately if you see him with a blowtorch again!
- Happy birthday, I have no gift, but I can wash your car half naked if you want?
- She’s crying, he’s excited, I’m confused. Now are we going or not?
- “How did you do that?!”
“It’s mainly muscle memory at this point.”- The possessive arm around me is fine, but stop digging your fingernails into my hip, please.
- Your best friend here just supplied me with the best blackmail I could have ever wished!
- That sounded absolutely awful. Are you sure you didn’t break your hand?
- Come on, starfish, let me come sleep.
- “Come on, please, I just want to make sure we are on the same page!”
“Same page? We are reading totally different books! We are in libraries across the town from each other!”- Everything will eventually melt!
- “I thought you asked them to easy up on me there?”
“I did. Unfortunately, I don’t have the talent to make them do everything I want.”- Are we sure that he won’t wake up? I’d prefer to not be killed by him.
- “Why didn’t you tell me it’s your birthday?”
“Because of this! I can’t deal with surprises!”- Thumb wars are not fair when he has the hands twice the size of mine!
- The walls and furniture are greatly affected by his anger issues.
- We could kinda just wander to the break room and accidentally eavesdrop a bit?
- “Why are you wearing sunglasses?”
“I’m a badass bitch. - And if I start crying, you might not even notice.”- I’m not in charge any of you fuckers tonight! Be wild! Be free!
- Well, fortunately, you don’t need to be too smart for this job.
- Take the fear and use it against him.
- “I’ve deliberately set the bar so slow in life even you can reach it.”
“…Thanks?”- Were you trying to bite through my lip or something?
- I’m gonna love the shit outta you, you cunt!
- At least you have a functional spine. That’s one more than I have.
- “Are you happy? To be here with me?”
“Are you?”- You need to lay down and start channeling Chris Evans’ niceness, because this attitude is not working.
- Don’t taunt somebody who you think might be an alien!
- Buckle up, kids! We are gonna do a damn barrel roll!
- “That’s physically impossible!”
“Watch me.”- What made you think that kissing somebody trying to kill you would suddenly stop them?
- You fell in love with a boy with a very short temper.
- He doesn’t understand that feeling. Of loving something more than himself.
- “You can handle more than you think.”
“No I can’t!”- Not doing it doesn’t make you a pussy. It makes you smart.
- Just because we broke up, doesn’t mean that I’ll suddenly tell people things told in confidence!
- Bury your emotions and deal with them little later.
- “You can’t be here. The restraining order, remember?”
“I can’t, huh? And I thought that they don’t mean shit around here.”- I’ll ignore the sexual innuendo and take the compliment.
- That’s our plane, stop shooting at it!
- “Are we gonna talk about your motorcycle crash or –“
“It was a controlled fall, thank you very much!”- Push me in the pool and you’ll damn well know you are coming right with me.
- Stop trying to avoid my accusations!
- I like their dogs more than them.
- “I’m pregnant.”
“What? I… what? You two have sex? Eww – no, congratulations!”- Please don’t tell me you’ve court duty on her birthday!
- You don’t come in here and tell me how to run my shit!
- Don’t leave me without details! I have been living vicariously off of your crazy ass for the past month!
- He’s not even buying attention! Somebody else needs to drive.
- “ – Why did you tell me this?”
“Because you might want both versions of the story before you’ll start judging me.”- The disappointed headshake seemed to just do the trick.
- I’ll give you the disadvantage because you were too drunk to even stand straight.
- I mean the wink made it immediately better.
- The disrespect! The dis-fucking-pect!
- Are you giving me a tummy rub?
- The things you would do for her to laugh…
- I either blinked very fast or that was lighting strike.
- Well considering this is the only way they’ll learn anything, we should just let them do it.
- We stick to what we have learnt before and hope for the damn best.
- The laptop will be the last victim!
- Turns out I just needed to destroy some dreams.
- Breathing on my neck will get you chopped in half.
- It’s more Jack than Coke at this point.
- Sorry, my knees are not letting me to do this dance move right now.
- Everybody needs an outlet to release the pressure…
- I can’t legally do anything to stall the process, but I’m more than happy to turn a blind eye if something were to happen.
- Threatening me with black magic was lot funnier before I knew you could actually do it!
- You are not allowed to neither join or form a gang!
- Just because you don’t trust somebody, doesn’t mean they’re completely untrustworthy!
- No matter how much big of a wanker he is, he’s still your boss and getting him angry at you is not going to help the situation.
- “Did you take the batteries out of my clocks?”
“You hit snooze like 60 times every morning!”- You can’t have flashbacks of things you weren’t involved in.
- I mean it should be our duty to point out the flaw in that, yeah?
- “Did my sugar daddy call yet?”
“Please stop calling my father that. Please.”- You need to buy new things when they break and stop trying to fix them with electrical tape.
- That rule does no longer apply to him.
- The demon underneath my bed needs to hurry the fuck back to hell or fucking switch the lights off because I’m not putting my legs over the bed no more! The situation report on my desk needs to be on my desk first thing in the morning.
- Getting pepper sprayed is not and never will be funny enough to repeat again.
- There are certain things I might have conveniently forgotten to mention right at the time… Don’t worry, I can always blame that on the shock.
- No game should never fucking end only if someone is knocked unconscious!
- Could I get a specific reason as why it was so important that I’m here?
- Since when has the guards started strip searching us?
- You have to be nice for everybody, even if the said person attempted to murder you in the past.
- You do not need to kneel before me. It’s not like I’m some kind of damn royalty.
- Oh, there’s enough room to drive under that!
- And I thought explaining it would make them less angry…
- I need a little more specific number than ‘shitload’.
- They can’t even tie their shoelaces correctly and they are supposed to keep me safe?
- Practical jokes should be funny and not traumatic.
- “Has she been avoiding me?”
“She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings – but she’s not into the daily morning hugs.”- Can you guess which one of us has the most daddy issues?
- “Did you break into my room?”
“Technically I was more like trying to break out.”- Since bribery didn’t work, we should move into threatening plan?
- Not the time for dirty jokes or inappropriate thigh touching, babe.
- Did you draw a moustache on her while she was sleeping?
- “Did you get her to bed?”
“She’s sound asleep. We had an impromptu grabbling match before it though.”- The distraction was supposed to be bit less… water involved…
- I definitely have enough love for myself to not needs yours.
- You can’t be part of something that doesn’t exist.
- You want me to pose for a calendar?
- ”What are you doing standing on my bed?”
“I think there’s a mouse in the ceiling. Sorry I woke you up.”- I am not going to stop using them for my experiments. No, sorry not going to happen.
- You can’t predict the end of the world more than once.
- We should have taken a life insurance policy on them bit sooner…
- Do you dance with your skeletons from the deep dark corners from your closet?
- This is a family recipe for murder.
- It’s not an open mic night tonight, Todd!
- I don’t know how we can play poker with these cards…
- I caused a chain reaction. How do I go forward?
- So, you decided to snort some unknown powder in a house that you broke in to?
- We cannot dispose of just anybody who might not like you!
- The freaking tent is on fire! And you are drinking next to it like it’s nothing!
- I only did that to get blackmail material.
- “That skirt is mine! It better come back without any unwanted stains!”
“They wouldn’t be unwanted to me!”- “Are you crazy?”
“Could be; All the signs point to it.”- Want me to draw you a picture to you? Maybe with some crayons?
I just want to thank you all for everything and that I never actually thought these kinda numbers were possible…
Special thanks to @patricia130 for letting me use her computer to post this because my own is not working
And shutouts to my friends @theflameontheinside and @hunterswearingplaid
7,000 Followers!!
↧
↧
Latest Images
Trending Articles
More Pages to Explore .....